There were a lot of things we couldn’t do in an SR-71, but we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if, because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would not be the first word I would use to describe flying this plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a moment.

It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a great deal of confidence in the plan in the past ten months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below us, I could already see the coast of California from the Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.

I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back seat. There he was, with no really good view of the incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four different radios. This was good practice for him for when we began flying real missions, when a priority transmission from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult, too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during my entire flying career I had controlled my own transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however. Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn’t match my expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He understood that and allowed me that luxury.

Just to get a sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly), we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.

We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked Center for a readout of his ground speed. Center replied: “November Charlie 175, I’m showing you at ninety knots on the ground.”

Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel important. I referred to it as the “Houston Center voice.” I have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on this country’s space program and listening to the calm and distinct voice of the Houston controllers, that all other controllers since then wanted to sound like that, and that they basically did. And it didn’t matter what sector of the country we would be flying in, it always seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die than sound bad on the radios.

Just moments after the Cessna’s inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his groundspeed. “I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed.” Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren. Then out of the blue, a navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios. “Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check”. Before Center could reply, I’m thinking to myself, hey, Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million-dollar cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I got it, ol’ Dusty here is making sure that every bug smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true speed is. He’s the fastest dude in the valley today, and he just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his new Hornet. And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more distinct alliteration than emotion: “Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground.”

And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done – in mere seconds we’ll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now. I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that we had worked toward becoming. I was torn.

Somewhere, 13 miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his space helmet. Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke: “Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?” There was no hesitation, and the replay came as if was an everyday request. “Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground.”

I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice: “Ah, Center, much thanks, we’re showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money.”

For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little crack in the armor of the Houston Center voice, when L.A.came back with, “Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one.”

It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short, memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day’s work. We never heard another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.

For just one day, it truly was fun being the fastest guys out there.

And another quickie:

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 850 (flight level 85,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, “How exactly do you plan to get up to
85,000 feet?”

The pilot (obviously a sled driver) responded, “Center, we were hoping to descend to it.”

He was cleared immediately….

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

On another Septic Tank Truck:
“We’re #1 in the #2 business”

At a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

On a Church’s Billboard:
“7 days without God makes one weak.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office :
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company :
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window :
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station ,
“Thank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
just by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an
egg timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will
be too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
are: In life, you only need two tools – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn’t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use
the duct tape.

9. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

10. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

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Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses, and run my business What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on “START…”

I figure I won’t be having sex again until late next year.

Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.

As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.

Condoms were considered an obsene article and had to hidden behind the pharmacist’s counter.

At one time, margarine was illegal.

State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.

The state definition of rape stated that it was a man having sex with a woman he knows not to be his wife.

While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker’s license.

It is illegal to kiss on a train.

It is illegal to cut a woman’s hair.

Margarine may not be substituted for butter in restaurants unless it is requested by the customer.

The government may not prohibit manual flushed urinals.

One may not camp in a wagon on any public highway or risk a fine of up to ten dollars.

It is a class A misdemeanor to wave a burning torch around in the air.

It is illegal to throw rocks at a railroad car.

Livestock have the right-of-way on public roads.

Also a couple cities in Wisconsin that have some odd laws also.

Brookfield

It is illegal to get a tattoo unless it is for medical purposes

It is unlawful to use someone else’s phone to make prank calls.

Hudson

Screens are required on all windows from May 1 to October 1.

You are not allowed to put litter into someone else’s trash receptacle without express permission.

Kenosha

It is illegal for a man to be aroused in public.

La Crosse

It is illegal to tie up your horse along Third Street (Now a major bar strip).

It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window.

It is illegal to play checkers in public.

You cannot “worry a squirrel”.

Milwaukee

An old ordinance forbids parking for over two hours unless a horse is tied to the car.

It is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention.

If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.

It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns.

Racine

Missiles may not be shot at parade participants.

It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

Women may not walk down a public street at night without being accompanied by a man.

Sheboygan

Only police officers may shoot birds in the city.

No person may water his lawn in such a way as to annoy his or her neighbor.

It is illegal to swim in the Fountain Park fountain.

St. Croix

Women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.

Sun Prairie

Nuclear weapons may not be manufactured in the city limits.

Persons may not ride a bicycle with their hands off the handlebars.

Cats are forbidden from entering cemeteries

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