Abbott and Costello 2007

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COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT :

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

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Dear Diary:

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Dear Diary:
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And, I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do.”
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??????”
So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?” I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store..
I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 a pair to which I say OK.
And then we go to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…….. she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go to the cash register.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey, I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.”
You should have seen her face …..it went completely blank.
I then said, “Really, honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

I figure I won’t be having sex again until late next year.

Things I learned from Firefly

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I learned that betrayal is sudden, but inevitable.

I learned that I can wear my pretty floral bonnet and still end someone.

I learned that the Bible is a mite fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

I learned that Stegosaurus and a T-Rex can never be friends.

I learned that after a long day, you’ll feel better if your spouse tears your clothes off.

I learned that spaceships are not science fiction but telepathy is.

I learned that, despite being told not to hit someone in the face with a closed fist, sometimes it’s just hi-larious.

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