Written by Brian Schul, former Blackbird pilot, from his book Sled Driver

There were a lot of things we couldn’t do in an SR-71, but we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if, because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would not be the first word I would use to describe flying this plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a moment.

It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a great deal of confidence in the plan in the past ten months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below us, I could already see the coast of California from the Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.

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In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

On another Septic Tank Truck:
“We’re #1 in the #2 business”

At a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”

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1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
just by using the sink.

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People are not the only ones who are hilarious while drunk:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBw-actpemc[/youtube]

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COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT :

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

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Dear Diary:
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And, I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do.”
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??????”
So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?” I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store..
I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 a pair to which I say OK.
And then we go to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…….. she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go to the cash register.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey, I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.”
You should have seen her face …..it went completely blank.
I then said, “Really, honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

I figure I won’t be having sex again until late next year.

When it comes to laws in Wisconsin some are so weird there is no explanation to even give as to why its a law to begin with.

Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.

As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.

Condoms were considered an obsene article and had to hidden behind the pharmacist’s counter.

At one time, margarine was illegal.

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